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Old Testament -> Deuteronomy

He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD.
Deuteronomy 23:1

Deuteronomy for Skeptics

God really lays down the law in Deuteronomy. And he insists that you follow it, exactly as written without adding to or subtracting from it. The law applies to everyone for all time. No excuses. (See 28:15-68 for a list of things God will do to you if you refuse to obey.)

Of course the first thing you’ll have to do is kill people. Lots and lots of people. Here’s just a partial list.

• Kill any prophets or “dreamers of dreams” if they say or dream the wrong things. 13:1-5, 18:20

• Kill everyone with religious beliefs that are different than your own. (Including your family, friends, and neighbors) 13:6-10, 12-16, 17:2-7

• Kill rebellious or disobedient sons 21:18-21, adulterers 22:22, and rape victims if they fail to cry out loud enough. 22:23-24

Besides killing, though, there are some other things that you must do.

• Destroy the altars, images, and places of worship of those with different religions. 7:5

• Cut off a woman’s hand if she touches the “secrets” of a man who is fighting with her husband. “And thine eye shall not pity her.” 25:11-12

And then there are a few miscellaneous rules and guidelines.

• If you see a pretty woman among the captives then just take her home and “go in unto her.” 21:11-14

• Rules for a man with two wives: “one beloved, and another hated.” 21:15

• How to dispose of a hated wife. 22:13-22

• Women that wear men’s clothing are “abominations unto the Lord.” 22:5

• Don’t “wear a garment of divers sorts, as of woolen and linen together.” 22:11

• Women, be sure to keep the tokens of your virginity. Otherwise the men of your city may stone you to death. 22:13-21

• A rapist must buy his victim from her father for 50 shekels. 22:28-29

• You can’t go to church if your testicles are damaged or your penis has been cut off. 23:1

• A bastard can’t attend church “even to his tenth generation.” 23:2

• God’s rule for wet dreams. 23:10

• How to shit in the woods so that God doesn’t step in it. 23:12-14

• How to divorce your wife if you find “some uncleanness in her.” 24:1-4

If you don’t obey all of these laws, God will (among many other things) smite you with hemorrhoids, madness, and blindness, burn or starve you to death, have some animals eat you, and snakes bite you. If you still refuse to obey, he will have your wife raped and force you eat your own children.  28:15-68, 32:23-25

Any questions?

There are 32 articles in "Old Testament -> Deuteronomy"

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