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On another thread, Teuchter challenged Brother Mario to have god smite Teuchter tonight (3/16/10); he specified lightning, because the absence of lightning within hundreds of miles of where he lives would have led to one of those little stories in the papers headlined “Geezer Lawyer Killed by Freak Lightning.” Then you’d know, and you could all save yourselves while Teuchter dog paddled through the lake of fire.
But, while filling out my NCAA tournament brackets, I realized that just daring Catholic God to smite me would prove nothing; for example, it would just leave bruce/ecurb smugly thinking “I knew the papist god was a fake.” This had to be open to all the gods (or at least the best 64 gods), so here is
THE OFFICIAL SMITE TEUCHTER CHALLENGE
So, there had to be two rules:
1. I have to be smited in a dramatic, weird way that will make its way into one of those fillers in the newspapers; and
2. god has to smite me in a very defined time period, because nobody lives forever, and I’m a lot closer to not forever than most of you.
The one true god must smite me on the appointed day in a manner to make a small “freak accident” type newspaper article, something like “BAY AREA MAN TURNED INTO A PILLAR OF SALT” or “CALIFORNIA LAWYER SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST WHEN JUDGE OVERRULES HIS OBJECTION.”
Here’s the schedule:
March 16, 2010: Catholic god smites Teuchter
March 17, 2010: Bruce’s god smites Teuchter
March 18, 2010: Any other jezuz god (Unitarian, Methodist, Mormon, etc) smites Teuchter
March 19, 2010: Allah smites Teuchter
March 20, 2010: Yahweh smites Teuchter
March 21, 2010: Shiva, the chac mool, the dalai lama, or any other god smites Teuchter (in which case you may all have to start this all over again, possibly using GAD, to figure out which one is the smiting god.)
March 22, 2010: Teuchter smites all the gods!
Keep an eye on the little weird articles in your newspaper. I’m pretty sure I’ll see you on the 22nd for TEUCHTER SMITES GOD DAY, although at my age you never know. But if ain’t weird, it ain’t god, and Teuchter still wins.
I’m sorry to rain on your parade, teuchter, but you screwed up by not having the Catholic God smite you on St.Patrick’s Day, which is March 17. You chose my non-Catholic God on that day. Your total ignorance of religious holidays has invalidated your challenge. You lose on a technicality. I win, because I discovered your ecclesiastical error.
I’m sorry to rain on your parade, teuchter, but you screwed up by not having the Catholic God smite you on St.Patrick’s Day, which is March 17. You chose my non-Catholic God on that day. Your total ignorance of religious holidays has invalidated your challenge. You lose on a technicality. I win, because I discovered your ecclesiastical error.
You’re making excuses for “Bruce’s God,” and it’s not even the 17th yet? Where’s the faith? Try harder.
Teuchter was smitten and ceased to exist at 9:00 a.m., PST, March 17, 2010.
In his place, God mercifully substituted a cyborg, so that teuchter’s family would not suffer. That cyborg itself is scheduled for termination at a definite point in the future, but far enough down the road that his family will have time to get used to it.
That ends the challenge. We will now return to our regularly scheduled programs.
Teuchter was smitten and ceased to exist at 9:00 a.m., PST, March 17, 2010.
In his place, God mercifully substituted a cyborg, so that teuchter’s family would not suffer. That cyborg itself is scheduled for termination at a definite point in the future, but far enough down the road that his family will have time to get used to it.
That ends the challenge. We will now return to our regularly scheduled programs.
I like the Scfi touch, but wouldn’t the tried and true, he died a spiritual death, have worked better.
Teuchter was smitten and ceased to exist at 9:00 a.m., PST, March 17, 2010.
In his place, God mercifully substituted a cyborg, so that teuchter’s family would not suffer. That cyborg itself is scheduled for termination at a definite point in the future, but far enough down the road that his family will have time to get used to it.
That ends the challenge. We will now return to our regularly scheduled programs.
I like the Scfi touch, but wouldn’t the tried and true, he died a spiritual death, have worked better.
Teuchter was smitten and ceased to exist at 9:00 a.m., PST, March 17, 2010.
In his place, God mercifully substituted a cyborg, so that teuchter’s family would not suffer.
Teuchter just jabbed himself in the thigh with a fork.
OW! That hurt!
Teuchter is not a cyborg.
Quite stalling, Bruce God, quite having your acolyte Ecurb making excuses for you.
Smite Teuchter! Go ahead! Make it dramatic, make it as good as your old stuff, like eaten by a whale, carried away in whirlwinds, or turned into a pillar of salt.
In fact, if it would be especially cool if you turned Teuchter into a giant Habenero pepper, and had his miracle/relic self shipped to Chuy’s for a very special John Madden Hall of Fame salsa.
This just in, today in California a defense attorney was stabbed in the heart with a #2 pencil. The murderer? None other than the Dalai Lama himself.
A flash of red and yellow is likely the last thing he saw.
In fact, if it would be especially cool if you turned Teuchter into a giant Habenero pepper, and had his miracle/relic self shipped to Chuy’s for a very special John Madden Hall of Fame salsa.
So go ahead, Bruce God. The clock’s running!
In the picture: 7 + 12 = 19. That’s day after tomorrow. It’s also Allah day! I see lots of hot sauce on the tables ... but it looks increasingly like it will be at the Lavash.
Teuchter is dead. Do not be deceived by the rantings of the cyborg. It is only a test.
Hey-zeus crisco. I suppose Bruce, I mean Ecurb, used to play his Beatles records backwards, and thought “I am the Walrus” meant Paul was dead. Koo-koo-ka-choo, bucko. Teuchter is sitting here waiting for Bruce God to smite, but so far, nothing to report.
Teuchter is slightly unnerved that GGD has seen an omen, a sign, that Allah will smite him tomorrow. In the first place, Teuchter would prefer that if this scientific experiment proves the existence of some god-thing, that it would be Bacchus or Dionysus; he also assumes that it would be a lot more enjoyable getting smited by one of them than, say, Yahweh. In the second place, Teuchter has some court appearances next week he was hoping to make. But Teuchter will not shrink from the SMITE TEUCHTER CHALLENGE.
Here I am! Show me what you got, Bruce God! Bring it, baby!
